Is it karma, or some other law?

As is usually the case, whenever I have a horrendously difficult day at work (take yesterday for example!) it is followed by a peacefully calm and wonderful day.

It's funny, too, because it came right along with a break in a recent heat wave. Yesterday was the third in an unbearably hot string of days, and today we had wondrously cloudy skies and cool, cool weather.

Thank goodness. I really needed both breaks.

A little challenge

First, I'm sending out a heartfelt "thank you!" for all the congratulatory messages that came my way over the last week. For everyone who left a kind comment, you really made me feel great! I know that the news came as a surprise to many bloggers, considering that the most recent news (as of the end of 2007) was that NDG and I were broken up, and not much more progress was published since then. Confusing, I know! Not that I owe an explanation to anyone, but I can honestly and happily say that going through the fire and working things out makes me feel MORE (not less) confident about our future. Another great thing that makes me feel confident about us and our future are our Saturday morning talks.

We've instituted this little tradition fairly recently. The idea is to have a safe time to air any grievances (or accolades) to the other person based on events from the prior week. A kind of "clearing the air" so resentments or misunderstandings don't build up. So far, it's been amazingly eye opening. This week we had our weekly chat over some coffee and to-die-for bread at a local favorite bakery. We walked away arm-in-arm with this little deal:

Until the end of the month, I get to pay for all our meals out and get the final veto decision when we're conflicted on choice, while NDG has to consciously compromise on everything I want. I'm excited!

See, NDG always pays when we go out. Even when I offer, he denies me and says "You get it next time." But that next time never comes. It's always "next time". This comes from his desire to take care of me, which I recognize. I appreciate his generosity, and try to express it to him; but since this has become somewhat of a pattern for us, I notice that I feel like I need to do alot of compromising and giving in because he's paying. Also, that's just who I am: I want to compromise and give him what he wants because that's how I express my desire to take care of him. These feelings can spill over from the mundane aspect of getting a meal, into other areas of our life as well. So, after chatting today, we discovered that he'd appreciate me paying and demanding my way sometimes and I'd appreciate him giving in to my way sometimes.

Yes, these are the types of compelling conversations that long-term couples have.

So begins our little challenge. Starting today. I get to pay and he gets to compromise. This will be fun. I'm hoping we get a good feel for what it's like to be in the other's shoes, and that ultimately, in the end, we'll be able to settle better into a middle ground on both of our sides.

For now, I'm busy deciding where we'll be eating next. It's good to be Queen.

We interrupt this Mother's Day to bring you some exciting news!

I am now officially engaged, as of Saturday night at about 8:00pm. Here's how it went down:

NDG snuck into my apartment while I was out with some girlfriends on Saturday afternoon. He took a dozen roses and lined them from the front door to my bedroom with a card at the end of the trail. (Luckily my apartment is small enough that he only needed one dozen to make a good trail from door to bed!) I walked in, completely surprised, and thinking he was hiding in the bathroom or something, I started to talk to him out loud:

"Oh my GOD! What's this?! What's going on ... are you here? Where are you!" (he wasn't!)

I opened the card, which asked me to get dressed up for a night out on the town. He'd be picking me up at 5:45 according to the card. So, I had an hour to get ready! I was finishing final touches when he arrived and he asked me to come down to the front of my building. He was waiting, standing next to his car, and dressed in his nicest suit. He was even wearing cuff links! (I've never seen him with cuff links!)

Off we went to Bertrand at Mr. A's, a fancy restaurant in San Diego with AMAZING views and really amazing food! We started with some fancy truffle oil macaroni and cheese with a crispy top (tasty!), had really delicious wine (sauvignon blanc for me, and an Australian Shiraz for NDG). For our entrees, I had the Ahi tuna, which was likely the best ahi I've ever had. NDG had duck, and we finished it off with creme brulee. The restaurant was so amazing! I felt like I was on a cruise ship (though I've never had that experience!) because of the picture windows lining the exterior walls and the panoramic views. Also, the service was like nothing I had ever experienced before. This place was really special.

Afterward, we whisked off to Pacific Beach. NDG brought me to the place we had our very first kiss: on the boardwalk overlooking the ocean. We made it just in time for sunset, where a very nervous NDG started to tell me about a special signifant meaning to May 10th in his life, what I have meant to him in his life, and his vision for our future together.

And then ...

He got down on one knee, brought out a (larger than expected!) box and asked me to marry him!

Although I was wondering what this evening was all about and had a little inkling about what he was doing as we were enjoying dinner; I was still really shocked, surprised, and just plain blown away!

We finished the night off at Extraordinary Desserts, where we indulged in our SECOND dessert of the evening. Then, we rolled our stuffed selves back to my apartment where we proceeded to take lots of pictures of the ring, and of us together.

We haven't set a date yet, but we are planning for something small and simple, and most likely private. Later, we'd like to have a get-together to celebrate the occasion with some family and friends.

And oh yeah, I almost forgot: Happy Mother's Day, too!

The thing about teaching ...

... is that you have to dish out disappointment sometimes. That just kills me.

At my school, I teach a class in which students can only be admitted through an application process. A team of teachers goes through a process of selection, and invariably, there are kids who are disappointed on the day of the announcements.

Today was that day. And after school I was faced with a very distraught and tearful young lady whom I like very much, but who didn't make it in the class. It broke my heart. She was deserving, but there were many who were also deserving, and we couldn't accept everyone.

I wish it could have been different. And now, I find myself feeling just as sad and disappointed as I found her feeling.

ughh .... :(

Asking for What I Need

In relationships of any kind, I often find it difficult to ask for what I need. I will play the patient role. I will be the best friend, lover, companion, or cohort (depending on the relationship) and then just wait and expect for what I need to come back. Sometimes, I will ask for things in an ambigious way instead of saying it outright. I've been known to dance around asking for what I really want and need. Why? Because asking clearly for what I need can be hard. It feels like confrontation. Also, what if the answer is "NO"? I think I fear rejection as much as I do confrontation.

But sometimes, it gets to the point where it is bubbling inside me so much that it is ready to overflow and pop. And then it comes out in one big declaration. And once it starts coming out, it just can't stop. Can anyone relate to this?

I suppose this could set me up for a poor reaction from the person I'm in conflict with. But, in my heart of hearts, I believe that if someone really and truly loves me, and really and truly cares for me; then after the shock of my overflowing declarations subsides, they will see me with love, compassion, and understanding.

And if they don't? ... Then I'm learning it just may be a sign of how much they truly cared for me or loved me; and if their level of commitment was the same as mine. It's amazing to me, that even though I'm in my 30s, that I am still learning about the nature of relationships. I never want to stop learning. I never want to stop being the best friend, lover, family member, coworker, etc ... that I can be. I am finding that my relationships are what are most important to me in my life; so it's up to me to hold them up to high standards.

Unhooked Generation: The Good News! (Last UG Post)

"Through happy couples, I learned that those who had a tremendous capacity to love, loved tremendously. Those who held back from love or were afraid of commitment and were stingy with love never loved intensely despite their loveable partners" (p.220 Unhooked Generation).

That's one of my favorite quotes from Jillian Strauss's book, Unhooked Generation. I promised a final look at how to overcome our Gen-X pitfalls to screwing up love, and so, here they are! 5 keys to happy and long-lasting love, as detailed by Strauss. They are pretty simple to describe, but not so simple to execute.

1st - LOOK AT YOURSELF FIRST. If issues come up in your relationship, or troubles arise (as they ALWAYS DO!); successful mates didn't point fingers at the other person declaring "It's all your fault! You need to change this, or do that, or be more of this." Neither did they say "that's it! I'm breaking up with you and finding someone else who is more fun, easy to be with, etc." Instead, successful partners looked first at themselves. What could THEY do WITHIN themselves first to make positive impacts in the relationship. Moreover, what could they do within themselves just to make themselves a better person - period. This puts a new spin on relationships. I truly believe we are in relationships because of what they will teach us about ourselves. So, it seems obvious here that a mature partner would look first at him or herself when they either have doubts about the relationship, or face troubles within the relationship. A good partner, also, is someone always willing to grow personally.

2nd - BURN YOUR CHECKLIST. Once you drop your expectations, you can be more open to love coming in to your life. Usually, it appears in a different package than you expected anyway, or with different qualities or circumstances. The book talked about one lasting couple who had this issue at the start of their relationship. The female had on her checklist "No divorced men"; so when she met the man who she would later marry and discovered he was divorced, she was reluctant to go further than casual dating. It took her guy confronting her and talking with her about what was going on to get through the rough patches. Now that they are married, she cites his ability and willingness to communicate with her about his feelings as something she loves most about him. This skill was something he'd worked on and consciously honed after having gone through the divorce. So, basically, without having gone through the divorce, he couldn't have been the guy that ended up being perfect for her. Her checklist was working against her, and if she hadn't been willing to drop the checklist, she would have missed out on an amazing man. Bottom line: Love isn't about shopping for a checklist of qualities; it's about allowing yourself to open your heart and be transformed by the love you share and the love you let in. (Oh, that sounds so Beatles-y, but true!)

3rd - STOP SPEEDING - Gen-Xers want immediate results and often think that the instant we meet someone and feel the chemistry that we have found the one, and if we DON'T feel it immediately that it just isn't going to be there. NOT TRUE! Slowing down is about giving relationships the time to develop. We often write someone off on the first date because they were quiet or shy, or said the wrong thing, or we perceived them in a certain way. But if we can slow down and realize that love takes time, we can give the right relationship the chance it deserves.

4th - GO ALL THE WAY - Instead of keeping our options open, which is truly a gen-x approach to life, going all the way means committing fully. And keeping in mind that the act of commitment is a leap of faith. There are no guarantees, or 30-day trials when it comes to marriage. This section of the book detailed stories about specific couples who had been transformed by their unions once they fully committed. Jillian talked about Elaine and Kirk, who'd had an amazing marriage until one of them faced illness. Although they had struggles in the marriage at varying points, Elaine had been transformed by the relationship and by her own commitment to Kirk as he faced a terminal illness. No one is perfect, but the ability to commit can transform you, your relationship, and how you experience love.

5th - COMMIT AND FUEL THE FIRE - Interestingly, in Jillian's interviews, she repeatedly heard that it wasn't the initial chemistry that kept the commitment solid and exciting. Rather, it was the commitment itself. Couples that tended the spark, instead of just feeling the initial spark, were true examples of commitment. She also found through conversations with many couples that commitment can actually fuel romantic and physical love.

Of course, my brief explanations are just that: brief. There is so much more to get from reading the book. Jillian's personal anecdotes are thoughtful and enlightening, as are the many interview examples of real Gen-X singles, and successful couples. If my meager attempt at promoting and detailing the book sparked your interest at all, I really do encourage you to get out there and buy it!

You can check out the Amazon reviews, too. The book currently has 4.5/5 stars with 22 reviews. Impressive!

What the HELL??!!

I live in an apartment building that was built in the 1950s. I'm guessing that by the minimalist architectural style, anyway. The building is way cool, but the walls are kinda thin.

So thin, in fact, that I can hear my neighbor SNORING. Every night. All. night. long. WHAT THE HELL????

I hate snorers. I know they can't help it, but I HATE them anyway. THEY get to sleep soundly while everyone else around them has to be inconvenienced by their noise. That is wrong. And I see them as selfish because of it. I also think it is very wrong that I have to lay awake at night because a stranger I don't even know who lives next to me has a grossly out of control problem.

Maybe he'll choke in the middle of the night. Or, if I'm lucky, he'll move out.

damn. I might need to rearrange my furniture, but I don't even know if that would help with the chainsaw snore sounds reaching my ears. On top of that, it will screw with the feng shui. Double damn.